The Subject of Love

“The subject today is love and for tomorrow as well; as a matter of fact, I know of no better topic for us to discuss until we all come to our end!” ~  Rumi

Valentine’s Day is here. It's a day when lovers celebrate their partnerships and new romances blossom. It’s also a time when many long for love. Some find it, some commit to it through engagement or marriage, and others are swept up in the season’s magic, sometimes realizing later that the connection wasn’t meant to last.

What is it that attracts us to one another? What is attraction, in the deepest sense of human bonding?

Consider what makes you feel love for another. What draws you to someone? Shared interests, inspiring qualities, or perhaps the way they encourage you to be your best self. Physical beauty also plays a role, but beauty is subjective, seen differently by each of us.

As my understanding of love has deepened, I've come to believe that what we're attracted to is something we already possess within ourselves. That’s how we recognize it. When we meet a “soul mate,” we experience a profound resonance, as if we’ve encountered a twin soul or our “other half.” Could this be that recognition of essence, soul meeting soul, and in that meeting, all we could ever want in a relationship seems fulfilled?

To recognize the essence of another, we must first see it within ourselves. I propose that all we love, admire, and desire already exists inside us. We seek only to have that part of ourselves activated by a resonating “other.” Does this idea resonate with you?

While I can’t prove this in a scientific lab, I can prove it in the laboratory of my own life. When I see a beautiful hillside, with rolling green hills and sunlight painting shadows across the landscape, something within me stirs. A peaceful elation washes over me - bliss, pure and simple. Why? I feel it as the beauty outside touching the beauty within, and they begin to resonate.

Similarly, when I’m with other spiritual seekers, the presence of the divine feels palpable. What we behold resonates with the same quality of spirit within us. Beauty recognizes beauty; love recognizes love; peace recognizes peace. Here we are, in a world full of mirrors, each reflecting the essence of spirit within and without, if we are clear enough to allow the recognition to register.

“Friendship is the universal spiritual attraction that unites souls in the bond of divine love. If you open the door to the magnetic power of friendship, a soul or souls of like vibrations will be attracted to you.”
~ Paramahansa Yogananda

I once spent six years as a celibate monastic living in the world and for a year, in the ashram. During this time, I released all thought of intimate relationships. In those years, I learned what true love is. When I embraced spiritual relationships, I found myself loving others with prema (divine love), a love that transcends feelings and defined by actions for the good of others, regardless of their response. I was free to be myself, to focus on what my soul called me to in every relationship, without fear or concern about “inviting the attentions” of another. My commitment to celibacy was disarming to others as well, removing the temptation to flirt or posture. This revelation led to a more expansive love with the community I served.

In time, through prayer and discernment, I transitioned from celibate monasticism to expand my life beyond the ashram. And ironically, my years of celibacy prepared me for my relationship with my now partner.

I began offering sacred music at the ashram, supporting my teacher and community in kirtan and Sunday worship. Through my service, I met a remarkably talented musician who shared my passion. We played together in the chant band and a deep spiritual friendship formed. Though I wasn’t seeking a committed intimate relationship, I found myself supported and loved in a way that opened my heart to the possibility of a spiritually based intimacy. We entered our partnership as spiritual friends, and that was a more intimate experience than any I’d known before. This year, we celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.

“True friendship lies in seeking soul progress together.“ ~ Paramahansa Yogananda

In my past, I had failed relationships and a failed marriage, all because I didn’t know myself and chose unwisely. I've learned that the most important knowledge to have when seeking a partner in love is self-knowledge. Without it, how can we know what we want or, just as importantly, what we have to offer? Self-knowledge also helps us avoid activating what we don’t want in ourselves or others. We want to attract people and situations that resonate with the best in us.

Returning to my opening thoughts on resonance and soul recognition: know yourself, express your authentic self, and draw in what you truly want and need. Let those who come into your life see you for who you are so the right partner can recognize and choose you. This has led to sustained happiness in my marriage as well as the formation of nourishing friendships.

I hope these reflections inspire reflection within you.

To all lovers and to all who long for love, Happy Valentine’s Day!